Wednesday morning on a plane to Newark, I started this blog entry,
“Why, of why God have you forsaken me?” I repeat this repeatedly to myself. How many trials
should one person have to endure in a lifetime? It is growing harder to not be frustrated with “life”. I am happy to be alive and I am grateful for a healthy child, but I have days when I am pissed at the “man upstairs”. I have days when I am unsure if my faith is being tested, or this is retribution for a previous or future sin. I don’t have much to complain about in the grand scheme of things but I am just tired of the “drama”. I have a career that I love, and I am surrounded by family and friends. My son is healthy, and he is happy most of the time. My attempts at letting “faith be bigger than my fears,” are failing. I spent several hours in prayer and meditation last week. My rosary nearly calloused my hands, and “Hail Mary” played through my mind on repeat. I just wanted to cry out, “Give me a sign God, please show me what you want from me.” The last 6 years have been chaos, and I assumed my impending divorce would provide some relief. I feel like a weight has been lifted, but the stress of the divorce proceedings and a heated custody battle is killer. We filled for divorce in May and we are no closer to settling things than when we first filled, it is nearly November! It has gotten so ugly, I am unsure that it will ever be amicable. My son will be subject to the same ugly childhood that I had, two parents who vengefully hate each other. I wish I could reassure him. I wish I could offer him some resemblance of a “normal” life. Yes, the majority of children will witness the divorce of a parent during a lifetime but that doesn’t make it normal…..
I intended to finish the piece after I landed, but God got had a sign waiting on me. I turned on my phone, and read my Facebook feed to see a host of prayer requests. I was unsure of what had happened, but I knew it had to be bad. A clicked on a single message to my cousin Jennifer’s facebook wall, to find a host of other prayer requests. My heart sank. I had messaged her early that morning, and didn’t get a response which was unusual. When I finally spoke to someone, I was heartbroken and angry at first. I thought to myself, “God, how could you do this?” I came back home knowing lots of people, but I really didn’t “know” anyone anymore. Jennifer had welcomed me back into the family and into her heart. My son and I love her two precious girls dearly. She had received news that no mother ever wants to hear, her oldest daughter had cancer.
It suddenly struck me. What in the heck had I been whining about? My son was healthy and safe. My situation might not be ideal, but I have everything to be grateful for. I felt like a selfish little brat. God gave me a sign, and a reality check. I immediately sobbed tears of sadness, but also remorse.
There is no problem too great that our God is unable to handle. I am sure that God will use Jennifer as a testament to his will and glory. My sweet lil cousin will continue to be a light unto the world, her faith and trust is unwavering. Reagan is in our constant prayers, she will be a miracle of God’s healing power.
The prayer to St. Jude
Most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone. Make use I implore you, of that particular privilege given to you, to bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly our beloved Reagan that you protect her, that I may praise God with you and all the elect forever.
I promise, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
Please keep the family in your continued prayers.
We love you Reagan, it is time that we become your cheerleader!