My moments of brutal honesty never seem to end well.  I am struggling to adapt to all the change in my life.  I have an inner conflict.  I lack faith in others, but even worse I often fail to have faith in myself.  Decision making can be painful.  I am so fearful of making the wrong decision, I struggle to make a decision at all.  The last few weeks have been full of unrest.

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Gulp… here is my moment of honesty.  I have been seeing this guy for nearly 2 months.  He is very different, unlike anyone I have ever dated.  I tried really hard not to like him.  I was actually scolded by my friends for not giving him an “honest chance” at first.  He is cute, and he has the sweetest smile.  He tolerates my banter, and he is equally witty.  He loves his job, and he is impressively good at it.  The most admirable thing about him?  When I have a bad day usually involving a conflict with my ex, he tolerates me.  He takes the brunt of the quarrel, with unwavering grace.

Did I mention he has no children and has never been married?  His brief dealings with my son have been awkward but endearing.  His effort does not go unnoticed.

So what are his flaws?  They seem to be scarce.  His biggest flaw is that I like him.  So are you wondering why I consider liking him a flaw?  I try my best not to like anyone.  No expectations, equal no disappointments.  With the exception of a few people, I have been hurt the worst by those I cared about.  When most people try to draw others close, I tend to push them away.

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What I am about to say might really get me in trouble but here it goes anyhow… The band Mumford and Sons has a song titled, Awake my Soul.   The lyrics say, “In these bodies we will live, In these bodies you will die.  Where you invest your love, you invest your life.”  Don’t read anymore into that statement than what it actually implies.  I am not saying I love him, I am in love with him, or that I am starting to fall in love with him.  I invest myself more in people than I do possessions.  Who you decide to spend time with or date is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.

People can either help or hinder you.  My relationship with my ex is proof of that.  Relationships should be encouraging and positive.  They should never be self-serving or hurtful.  All we truly have in life is time, and you have to invest it wisely.  We have to spend it with people we love, and doing things that what bring us happiness.  Once time is lost, you can never get it back.  You have to use it intentionally.

There are times when I am deeply angry at myself about the time I have wasted.  My biggest fear is wasting even more.  I am diligently trying to make my faith stronger than my fear.  I am sabotaging my own happiness with worry.  I am trying to trust my own judgment, and have faith that he has no intentions of hurting me.  I am choosing to invest myself in the moments we have together, even though they seem scarce.  I am choosing to have faith in him, but most of all to have faith in myself.  

Happy Thought-filled Thursday,
XOXO
~Jess