The Unloved

August 12, 2013
Photo Credit: Pinterest 

“I realized in that moment, that no one ever truly loved me,” was almost harder to hear from another friend than it as for me to feel.  I don’t think anyone should feel that way, especially not another kind, intelligent, and beautiful soul.   There is a quote by Kim Culbertson that states, “People think being alone make you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true.  Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.”  The people who care the most, and have the kindest hearts are often the easiest hurt.  It is heart wrenching to know another knows that pain and angst.  The emptiness that comes from questioning if anyone ever loved you, or made you a priority in their life is consuming.

I thought he was being stoic when he looked at me with a stern face, and said my brother had been murdered.  I could barely breath.  I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest.  I convinced myself he was holding it together for me but in reality he felt nothing.  He walked the funeral home floor by my side, never shedding a single tear.  I repeatedly told myself he was being strong for my sake.  I was so detached from reality that I failed to see the truth.  How could you watch someone you love hurt so deeply and show no emotion?  He showed no remorse for my pain, and I grieved alone.  I should have know the words he uttered were coming.

When he said, “Your better off that he is dead,” I wasn’t sure if he was emotionally murdering me.  I knew that very second that he didn’t love me.  How could you say such ugly and hateful words to someone you care for?  I was the mother of his child.  I had sat vigilant at his bedside while he had chemo, checked his lab draws every week, and prayed to God every night for his health.  I cried countless tears and wished it was I who was sick, instead of him.  The seven words that he uttered were the ultimate betrayal.  The one person in the entire world I thought who loved me unconditionally, never really loved me at all.  

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Relationships are about putting faith and trust in another.  You won’t always get along with them, want to be around them, or hear what they have to say but you care about them enough to deal with the issues.  It is heartbreaking when you realize someone you invested your life in viewed you so heartlessly.

She and I are not unloveable.  We chose to love the wrong people for the wrong reasons.  Maybe we loved them more than we loved ourselves.  I know that eventually the right people will come along at the right time, and they will love us for who we are.  They will appreciate that we are guarded, and they will know all our faults and will love us just the same.  They will not betray our trust.  They will guard our hearts instead of kicking us while we are down.  One day it will happen…

Photo Credit: Pinterest 

Happy Soul Searching Sunday,