Category: dating

She’s Dating Who? The Perils of Dating in a Small Town
asouthernmother
September 9, 2013

Title gotcha didn’t it? 😉 Who am I dating? Inquiring minds would like to know. Well you can keep guessing, I like to keep my beaus anonymous.
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We all know I rarely get what I WANT. I was very hesitant to date anyone from back home for many reasons, one of which is it is impossible to date anyone in a small town without everyone knowing. Local dating has brought a lot of people together and will continue to be big because it makes it so easy to find someone for you. But it can sometimes end up slightly embarrassing! Lexington is a mid-size city. It was much easy to date someone without the “entire world” knowing or caring who I dated. Barbourville offers no such luxury. My hometown is the size of a shoebox. If you actively read my blog, I am not exactly a private person. I have NO privacy here.

I was absolutely mortified the first time my grandmother and I ran into someone we knew. The first question is generally disguised as a statement, “I didn’t know you were back home?”. We all know that is code for, “What are you doing here?” My grandmother didn’t think twice about blurting out, she is getting a divorce rather loudly in the local Wal-Mart. I was like “Nice one Grandma, shouldn’t you search family law Jacksonville before announcing this news to the entire community in Walmart?”

Have you ever watched Sandra Bullock in the movie Hope Floats? I feel like Birdee. My marriage publicly fell apart, and I was partially responsible for the publicity. Birdee ran home to find herself, and to provide a stable life for her daughter. Gabe loves our life here. He loves seeing his great grandparents every day. He is happy, and that is all that matters to me. I am thankful that he is no Bernice. I am not adjusting quite as well. I get the occasional curious stare, people trying to figure out who I am or if it is me.

I have been gone for years, but my desire was to leave forever. I didn’t just walk away from my hometown, I ran. I have very few ties here outside my immediate family.
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I have very few local friends. My goal was to keep my head down, get my divorce settled, and enjoy my “layover”. Getting a divorce was actually more straightforward than I originally thought. We had to divide marital property equitably with the help of some divorce lawyers, and then we were legally separated. The divorce was easier than I thought, and I do feel much better now. However, I’m back in my hometown and now I’m ready to try and improve my life.

I told myself repeatedly that it wasn’t a good idea to date local guys. Dating someone in a very small town can create issues that “city folk” never dream about. You routinely run into an “ex”, your beau’s “ex”, or family of either which awkward doesn’t begin to describe. I figured I would continue to date guys in Lexington, since the extent of my dating was limited to the every other weekend Gabe went to his dad’s. Plans were meant to be broken right?

I reluctantly agreed to a date with someone from my past. My hesitance had more to do with our hometown, and not my actual date. There are very few restaurants to choose from, even when you drive to a nearby city. He bumped into several people on that date. The funniest involved an older couple. They knew my date quite well, and the wife was quite disturbed that she didn’t know who I was. I walked to the bathroom, and she starred at me the entire time. I giggled when I caught her peeking around trying to figure out who his “mystery date” was. She wasn’t being rude. I know this is typical small town behavior. I just preferred to know who I was dating before everyone else did, and you will probably have to be from a small town to understand what I meant by that phrase.

I’m still not telling who my dates were with, a lady should never kiss and tell.

Happy Maladjusted Monday
XOXO
~Jess

Game Changing Moments
asouthernmother
August 26, 2013

It is rather humorous that most of the dating analogies this weekend were sports related….
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You will miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take
Don’t Ignore the Dark Horse
He had a game changing moment

A date that I went on this weekend had a “game changing moment”. Those moments can win the game or lose the game, either way those plays have a direct impact on the outcome.

Choosing a winery for a first date can be a bold choice. Most first dates have a few awkward moments. The wine might help take the edge off, but you are forced to meet each other face to face. Some people may think that visiting a winery, or even drinking wine is a bad idea for the first date. I have to admit, people did question my choice of activity.
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They’d told me that: “on your first date, DatingPilot recommends to stay sober as alcohol can impact your judgment and on top of that, being drunk can be a huge turn off for some people.” It’s some good advice, but I think I can cope better in situations that can involve drinking wine, just in case I need to take the edge off. But there is still a chance that it could end badly. You will have prime opportunities to get to know one another, or to sit in uncomfortable silence. Conversations are not the only way to get to know someone, you can gain subtle clues from watching their interactions with others. The game changing moment on my date was not from his interaction with me, but his interaction with a pair of random strangers.

The date started with a wine tasting at a local winery. We took turns picking the wine selections, and he bantered with our server. We chose a bottle, took our glasses, and found a lovely spot to chat. Most people might be frightened with the honesty exchanged in our conversation, but it was refreshing. He was articulate and attentive. We walked the winery grounds and found ourselves down by the creek. A patch of mossy stones made a pathway out into the water. I held up the tail of my sundress and waded barefoot into the water, and he followed suit. We spotted fish, a possible river otter, and laughed all while standing in the middle of a creek.

On our way back to the tasting room, he said hello to an older couple sitting on a bench. They had been in the tasting room with us earlier. They randomly commented on what a cute couple we made, and I believe neither of us felt like disappointing them.
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My date noticed that they were following us back inside, and he correctly assumed they were getting bottles to take home. He whispered to the man attending to us that if the couple wished to purchase another bottle, he would like to pay for it. I swooned. I liked him, otherwise I would have not agreed to our date, but in those few seconds…..

He altered the evening for a lovely couple. He also altered our own evening. I was slightly entranced by his kindness. I could have kissed him in that very moment, in front of everyone.

Regardless of how the last quarter played out, he had won that game.

Happy Smiling Sunday,
XOXO
~Jess

A Cautionary Tale of Boyfriends, Boy Friends, and Cellphones
asouthernmother
August 21, 2013

I am pretty sure there were more than one expletive blurted from my mouth a few weeks ago…
Along the lines of:

OMG
WTH
WTF
Bleep
Bleep
Bleep
#$%*@

That is generally what happens with your boy friend, texts your boyfriend while you unknowingly sit giggling at your boy friends side.

No, I don’t guard my cell phone
No, It did not have a passcode or lock (but it sure does now!)

I bear a small burden of guilt.
I know better than to have close guy friends.  It always bites me in the butt.
I know better to complain about anything to my friends, family, or otherwise about a significant other.
I now know better than to haphazardly turn my phone over to ANYONE!

The Cliff Notes version of the day goes something like this:
I suspected boyfriend had lied to me about something stupid.  I learned my lesson the hard way before, if they lie to you about little stuff, then they will lie to you about much bigger things.
I pulled the typical girl stunt of whining to boy friend about boyfriend, oh and I will admit it wasn’t the first time.

I will also admit, I was pretty sure that boy friend had been crushing on me.  No, I am not full of myself… He had said things casually about “taking me off the market”.  We had been friends for quite a while and rekindled our friendship after I split from my husband.  He is a college grad, great job, good looking, and athletic.  He was totally my type, but he had just crossed over into friend territory.  I should have seen it coming but instead I was blindsided.

I noticed the last few weeks he had been a lil more defensive than usual.
“Why don’t you just dump him?”
“You know you deserve better?”

I think the tension was building because my relationship had lasted longer than he or I had thought.

I totally crushed on boyfriend.  He was everything I imagined I would not want.
Honestly, he wasn’t the first guy you would spot in a bar, but he was the guy you wanted to spend your night there talking to.  He was quiet and much less opinionated than myself.  He wasn’t a doctor, a lawyer, or any other “noble profession, but he was well educated and he loved his job.  There was something about the way he wrapped his arms around me, I felt safe and at peace.  Those were feelings I hadn’t experienced in a long time.  He was adorable, charming, and he loved his dog.  I liked him.

I knew that guys like him were dangerous.  They sneak up on you unexpectedly, and they can easily break your heart.

I have a bad text habit.  I blurt out things completely uncensored.  When I am mad, angry, or upset I have taught myself to do one of two things, either give my phone to a friend or to turn it off and put it away.  The same rules apply for drunk texting…

I chose to give my phone to boy friend.  I threw my phone into his lap and said here take it, don’t let me talk to him today.  I am pretty sure, I didn’t say, “hey, text him in an attempt to ruin my relationship”.

I won’t lie.  I have randomly sent prank texts from my friend’s phones, but I have a hard time believing this was just a prank.  I want to believe the best, but I always fear the worst.

I am in between tears and laughter for several hours.  I was trying so hard to convince myself that boyfriend wasn’t lying, and doing anything to occupy my time.  Boy friends phone was charging, and he was “playing” around on mine.  If I had only known what he was playing…

I know bits and pieces of their conversation.  It was a small fraction of the dozens of texts sent.
It was so ugly that I don’t want to know more.  I’m not sure how two people I cared about could act and react that way.  It turned into a….

He said.
He said.
She said.
They said.
Who said.
What said.

In the end I just wanted to strangle the both of them.

If boy friend really cared, he wouldn’t have done that.  You don’t hurt the people you care for.
Boyfriend didn’t bat an eye believing I had something to do with that, really after two months?  It was heartbreaking to find that he thought so little of me.  From what I gather, you two scuffled like boys in a school yard via text message, and you still couldn’t figure out you weren’t talking to me?

C’est la vie…

It is another life lesson for me.  

Like usual, I am left to deal with the fallout.  Weeks later, I occasionally scratch my head and wonder WTF happened?

For now I have:
Ditched having close guy friends.
Put a passcode on my cellphone.
Regained my general distrust for everyone.

All because my boy friend texted my boyfriend from my cellphone.

Did I mention I hate dating? lol

Happy Wordy Wednesday.. or maybe Wacky Wednesday
XOXO

~Jess

Faith Bigger Than Your Fear and Investing Your Life
asouthernmother
August 8, 2013

My moments of brutal honesty never seem to end well.  I am struggling to adapt to all the change in my life.  I have an inner conflict.  I lack faith in others, but even worse I often fail to have faith in myself.  Decision making can be painful.  I am so fearful of making the wrong decision, I struggle to make a decision at all.  The last few weeks have been full of unrest.

Photo Credit: Pinterest


Gulp… here is my moment of honesty.  I have been seeing this guy for nearly 2 months.  He is very different, unlike anyone I have ever dated.  I tried really hard not to like him.  I was actually scolded by my friends for not giving him an “honest chance” at first.  He is cute, and he has the sweetest smile.  He tolerates my banter, and he is equally witty.  He loves his job, and he is impressively good at it.  The most admirable thing about him?  When I have a bad day usually involving a conflict with my ex, he tolerates me.  He takes the brunt of the quarrel, with unwavering grace.

Did I mention he has no children and has never been married?  His brief dealings with my son have been awkward but endearing.  His effort does not go unnoticed.

So what are his flaws?  They seem to be scarce.  His biggest flaw is that I like him.  So are you wondering why I consider liking him a flaw?  I try my best not to like anyone.  No expectations, equal no disappointments.  With the exception of a few people, I have been hurt the worst by those I cared about.  When most people try to draw others close, I tend to push them away.

Photo Credit: Pinterest 

What I am about to say might really get me in trouble but here it goes anyhow… The band Mumford and Sons has a song titled, Awake my Soul.   The lyrics say, “In these bodies we will live, In these bodies you will die.  Where you invest your love, you invest your life.”  Don’t read anymore into that statement than what it actually implies.  I am not saying I love him, I am in love with him, or that I am starting to fall in love with him.  I invest myself more in people than I do possessions.  Who you decide to spend time with or date is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.

People can either help or hinder you.  My relationship with my ex is proof of that.  Relationships should be encouraging and positive.  They should never be self-serving or hurtful.  All we truly have in life is time, and you have to invest it wisely.  We have to spend it with people we love, and doing things that what bring us happiness.  Once time is lost, you can never get it back.  You have to use it intentionally.

There are times when I am deeply angry at myself about the time I have wasted.  My biggest fear is wasting even more.  I am diligently trying to make my faith stronger than my fear.  I am sabotaging my own happiness with worry.  I am trying to trust my own judgment, and have faith that he has no intentions of hurting me.  I am choosing to invest myself in the moments we have together, even though they seem scarce.  I am choosing to have faith in him, but most of all to have faith in myself.  

Happy Thought-filled Thursday,
XOXO
~Jess