Category: divorce
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En Garde
I cried at the thoughts of being a “modern family”. I didn’t sign up for that. My dreams of raising Gabe in our beautiful cobblestone house, having dinner ready when my husband got off work, and family vacations were gone in the blink of an eye. I waited for years into my marriage to have a child. I was trying to spare any future children the grief I had suffered though my parents divorce. I fought to keep my marriage together, even when my heart was no longer in it. I considered looking for professionals similar to these Eatons Solicitors in Bradford because I had no desire to share custody of my child. I don’t want to make my own son someone’s stepchild, or have a blended family. Everything changed for my family in seconds, and in my case, I hope change eventually brings prosperity.
Gabe is only 3.5 years old. The only memories he will have of his parents together are photographs and videos. The look on his face during our painful exchanges are horrifying. He can feel the animosity between Arturo and I. En Garde: He and I are playing a never ending game of fencing. There is a constant exchange of blows, no referee or end to this wicked dual. I fight harder and harder even though I am nearing exhaustion. The emotional pain and mental anguish overwhelms me.
I want to scream, “Stop it, I can’t take this anymore,” but silence consumes me. I was taught that quitting is for the weak. My body grows weary, my heart aches, and my mind wanders into melancholy. Someone save me. I feel like the madness will never end.
I try to keep my emotion from Gabe and everyone else. I create a facade. It is easy to fake happiness in Tory Burch, Burberry, and Cole Haan, especially when you plaster on your prettiest smile. There is one person that you can not hide your true feelings from, he is always watching and present.
I have lost count of the times during the day that I repeat that prayer to myself.
Dear God,
Grant me the serenity to know that my husband and I do not love each other anymore, our marriage is over, and Gabe will be okay with that outcome. The courage to accept that I am emotionally and mentally broken, but I can overcome that with your love. The wisdom to know that even though my marriage is over and I am struggling with heartache that you can bring me peace.
Happy Soulful Sunday,
XOXO
~Jess
Taking a Second to Just Breathe…
It seems like lately life has just been completely chaotic for me. There is always so much going on. I feel like I have to balance my time being a full time “single” parent, and trying to sneak in a few minutes to myself. I say single parent because when your husband has been gone with the Army for 2.5 years, I became a single parent by default. Right now, I know I should be asleep but instead I am writing trying to clear my head.
Gabe had soccer pictures and a soccer game on Saturday. I seriously thought I might cry. It was his first official sports team photo. He is growing up too fast. I also caught him blowing his babysitter a kiss goodbye tonight. I am pretty sure he has a crush on Miss Morgan. I took Escobar to the dog park, and he was just a big ball of energy. I also discovered Aldi grocery store over the weekend. My life seems rather monotonous.
Today was especially difficult. Gabe has been acting out lately. He realizes his fathers absence and he struggles. He barely knows either of his grandfathers. My husbands brother lives in Florida and he has seen Gabe two times since he was born. My brother Brandon is probably always watching over us from up above and there is Stanton who has been trying to get his own life together. Gabe has no real relationships with men. He hangs with my girlfriends and myself. He attends childcare at the YMCA while I run and workout, but even those caregivers are all female. When Gabe has basketball at the Kentucky Basketball Academy, he will do anything to get and keep his coaches attention. He wants to be a little boy with a man to play with him. I played basketball in high school, but I don’t want to be the only one teaching him to dribble or shoot a basket. I watched as all the other dads interacted with their children and I couldn’t help be heartbroken for Gabe. He deserved to have a male role model months ago, and her certainly shouldn’t have to wait months more for his dad to return. I have similar experiences with soccer. I didn’t even have the option to play soccer growing up.
There is nothing quite as delightful as a 32 year man who has never even gotten up during the night to feed their child saying he is too young to remember all this. Every time he says that I want to shake him (him as in Gabes father not Gabe) and say what do you know about parenting. I interact with our son every day and I watch him struggle to interact with men. He has attention seeking behaviors. I rightfully worry that these last few years will gravely alter his personality. I have half given up trying to convince my husband of anything relating to Gabes behavior, admitting I am right would mean he knows he needs to come home
My husband and I are so different. There is no job that would keep me away from my son for months on end (or my spouse). I guess this a huge sore spot for us. I just wish I felt like he loved his family as much as he loved the Army. I’m sure I’m not the only military spouse who has felt this way.
This is enough of a vent for my blog and the day. I really need to sleep. I get to drive to Washington, D.C. tomorrow for the Nike Women’s half marathon on Sunday. There is nothing quite like a road trip with a 3 year old!
Happy Whining Wednesday!
XOXO
~Jess