This quote stood out to me because I have problems with fear. I can be overwhelmingly fearful of the silliest things. You should fear things are are actually physically dangerous, but why be afraid of the future or how we feel? I have a fear of trusting people, and it chronically sabotages my relationships with others. I also have a fear of failure. I am often afraid of trying new things because I fear of failing at them. We can choose to not let fear hold us back.
Tears of joy
So if your reading this blog to get to know me, then you have to get to know my son Gabriel.
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He is the purest light in a world full of darkness. He saved me from a deep despair and he was Gods promise I would be okay. I was already having a rough spring in the May of 2009. I took a job at the University of Kentucky in January. It was demanding but I had great co-workers and I learned a great deal about diagnostic laboratory medicine. My husband who had returned from a tour in Iraq several months before was diagnosed with Idiopathic Thrombocytopenia Purpura (ITP). I’ll save that story for another post too. He underwent medical treatment but it failed. His physician suggested a course of a chemotherapy drug called Rituxan. We were counseled that not only could Rituxan make you sterile, it was teratogenic. If Arturo and I wanted to get pregnant, it had to happen immediately. We had one month to try before his treatments began. The week following his first treatment my brother was murdered. Two days later I took a pregnancy test that was negative and I had double devastation. In one week my brother was murdered and there was a significant chance that my husband and I would never have children. It was rough the weeks following. I sat watching them fill Arturo with poison, I grieved over my brother, and I wasn’t having a baby… Or so I thought! I didn’t want to drag myself out of bed, I was always sick and exhausted. I assumed the overwhelming stress of everything was getting the best of me. I reluctantly made an appointment to see my physician. I knew the first thing they would ask was if I could be pregnant.
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I decided to prevent any embarrassment I would take another pregnancy test as a precaution….I cried the first tears of joy in weeks.
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It was a miracle.
I hope everyone will read that message and really think about it. If you have ever lost a loved one suddenly, you will can better understand it. My brother and I were in different states when he passed away. I sometimes wonder how other people treated him the last weeks, days, hours, and minutes before he died. Sadly I know he died alone, lying in a pool of his own blood, after begging for help. Every person that we cross paths with, we have no clue when their life will end. What if you were the last smile or the last frown someone ever saw? How would you want your loved ones treated? We all have bad days but need to recognize how we influence others. I don’t always feel like smiling but I would rather be the last happy face someone saw than the grimmest. Has anyone ever randomly done anything for you that changed your day? What if you could do that for someone else? How different would this world be? If we all set out in the morning to make a positive difference in someone else’s life, no matter how small. I could be grim and pessimistic, but I refuse to let the act of one evil person negatively change the outcome of my life. If I let him make me scared or angry, he wins. My brothers life and his death would be in vain. Instead I try to live positively, helping others with an open and kind heart. I ask each of you to do something simple today to help someone else. Don’t do it for me, do it for my brother and his memory, and others that have been lost to evil and violence. Smile my dear friends, today is going to be a great day!
The past few years for me have been plagued by distrust and heartache. On December 15, 1981 I became the loving older sister to a blue eyed brother that would be my playmate, friend, and adoring younger brother. We were “irish twins” just barely 14 months apart in age. We didn’t always get along and rarely agreed on much, but we loved and defended each other. On May 25, 2009 my world stopped for a second. There was a crack in the universe that could never be mended. I lost my brother to a cruel villain. He was murdered by my stepfather following a domestic violence altercation with my mother. I never knew what true pain was until that moment. People always ask why I run so much… I have the simplest answer. When you have felt real emotional pain, physical pain becomes nothing. There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t miss his voice or his laughter. The middle of the night phone calls as a prank. The fighting and the hugs.. I can tell you where I was sitting and who I was talking to the very last time I heard his voice. I dedicate my life to him, Brandon Michael Peace. The life that was cut short and taken from us by real evil.
The road less traveled..
Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.
|1. The Road Not Taken|
I think if you were to sum up my life, I think that The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost would describe me best. It seems that following everyone else has only led me to trouble. I have occasionally made the wrong turn, but it all led me to where I am now. I am happy with this life. After all we are only given one life and we have to make the best of it. In my situation, I live my life for 2 people (well really 3 if you count my son). My beloved brother Brandon Michael Peace was taken from us too soon (but that is for another post). I try to live every day like it could be my last. I love to travel and see the world. I find beauty in small things and I love helping others. I may not die famous but I want my family to be proud of the life I lived no matter how long or short it may be. I think people fail to realize how the small things can add up to be big things. We should take chances, smile more, laugh often, and enjoy the beauty in nature. You should never miss an opportunity to tell someone how you feel about them because you might not get that opportunity again. I am working on being more optimistic and less afraid. Remember only you can choose your road and eventually you will walk it alone….